Review: Iron Man #79
Freefalling to Rock Bottom!
Marvel Comics HQ circa 1975. Specifically the office of Editor-in-Chief Len Wein.
“Hi Boss! You wanted to see me?”
“Yeah, Mike.” Brows furrowed, he motions to the freelance writer. “Come in and close the door.”
“Sure thing.”
Once that’s done, he begins, “Hey, what’s up with the latest issue of Iron Man? Where’s the conclusion to that Black Lama story?”
“Well, uh,” Mike starts fidgeting, “I needed more time to figure it all out. But instead of a reprint, I came up with a neat story with a mad scientist, killer apes and a big goon named Quasar! Oh and it has a mysterious cat named Zero!”
“Mike. This book has had only one issue in four months advancing this story! That’s just flat out unacceptable! I hate to do this, but you’re fired!”
“Gee, Len, can’t I have another chance?”
“No! Now get out of here!” Len demanded, motioning towards the door.
Once the writer had left, the Editor knew he had to figure out how to end the ongoing story. “How hard could this be?” he asks himself. “You’ve got the Black Lama who’s going insane. Some golden globe that teleports people. Tony Stark’s hot ex-fiance Marianne Rodgers. That mouthy, overrated Firebrand. Iron Man tagging along. They’re all in another dimension where …?”
Several minutes passed before Len took a deep breath, made another decision and opened the door. “Hey, Mike! Get back in here! I was only kidding! Iron Man’s all yours!”
I still clearly recall my initial response to Iron Man #79 when it arrived in the mail. After a morning of diligent lawn mowing, I could hardly wait to finally catch up on all the drama! With a tall glass of milk accompanied bag of Oreo’s, I peeled the brown paper away and saw…Dr. Kurakill? A bald guy named Quasar! It cost me several “Hail Mary’s” for the profanities I uttered in that moment.
And I didn’t regret a single nasty word! Without a doubt, this was the worst issue of Mike Friedrich’s quickly ending tenure. As opposed to the previous issue’s thought-provoking content, Iron Man #79 served only junk calories - the comic book equivalent of consuming an entire bag of candy corn. Honestly, a decent reprint would have been much better.
What are my thoughts decades later? Grab a seat and find out since it's “Midnight on Murder Mountain!”
Credits
Writer: Mike Friedrich
Penciller: George Tuska
Inker: Vince Colletta
Colorist: Al Wenzel
Letterer: Dave Hunt
Editor: Len Wein
Cover Art: Gil Kane & Frank Giacioa
Release Date: July 22, 1975
Synopsis
As that godawful Gil Kane cover let me immediately know that something had gone horribly awry, the captions allowed writer Mike Friedrich to fully confess his sins about failing to meet deadlines.
So instead of at least bringing closure to convoluted, confusing “War of the Super-Villains,” we have Iron Man rescuing some couple and their new-found cat from a tree that fell on their van somewhere in Pennsylvania. Apparently our hero is flying back to the Big Apple courtesy of Armor Airlines. Which I suppose is faster. But what about any luggage Tony Stark needed for this business trip?
Stop it! Fill in comics are not designed to provide any logic. They simply exist to provide new material in lieu of a reprint.
With that van trashed from the errant tree, Iron Man flies to the nearest town where he can change into Tony Stark and rent a car to rescue them. Since it’s a dark and stormy night, they all need lodging. Since it’s a comic book desperately in need of fulfilling its cover, it turns out that the only hotel with any vacancy is an out-pf-the-way site that looks more or less like the haunted house on the opening credits of Scooby-Doo.
R’oh R’oh!
Sure enough, they’re greeted by a sour innkeeper with her burly bellboy. And for some reason that I hope is explained later, Zero, the cat the couple just found in the area, doesn’t like that innkeeper.
Could those two somehow figure into the plot?
Could the sun also rise in the east the next morning?
Anyway, Tony Stark is awakened a few hours later by a scream. Discovering that he’s locked into this room, he quickly becomes Iron Man! Escaping the room, he soon locates a secret laboratory in the basement. Even our hero wonders if he’s stumbled into a late movie, given the laboratory with its mad scientist, huge, bald-headed assistant and that nice couple as hostages.
Unfortunately, it’s not a movie or we'd quickly change the channel.
That means Iron Man is attacked by that bald dude who clearly intends to show off a rather profound vocabluary. Worse, he’s capable of exchanging fisticuffs with our hero as well as withstanding a shot of repulsor rays. Before a blow sends the Golden Avenger into slumberland, he mutters something about this first movie reel being worse than he expected.
On that, I concur!
It doesn’t get any better in the next panel with him imprisoned with the couple by some electrical field that renders him immoble. At least the captivity allows his fellow captors to share that the so-called innkeep is actually Dr. Kurakill - a geneticist who long ago boarded the crazy train. Her experiments succeeded in turning humans into apes as well as vice versa. With each human turned monkey, that ape grew more intelligent. Hence Quasar’s daunting diction.
But she doesn’t stop there! Some interloping woman who looks remarkably like Roxanne Gilbert is captured and turned into…well, we’re never told what she was turned into.
That serves as the perfect cue for that darned kitty to return, rubbing up on Quasar’s pants to build up static! Smart cat! Does she then go to the electrical field, hoping that energy disrupts it? Of course she does and of course it works! And let’s not even consider that if all it took was a static charge to free everyone, then why our hero wearing armor with state of the art technology remained captive for more than a micro-second!
Instead of dwelling on those confounding questions, we have Iron Man teaming with that darned cat to take care of business. While our guy takes several panels to finish off the hairless monkey, Zero chews through some wires that come into play a page later.
With Quasar counting bananas, Dr. Kurakill prepares to unleash the cage of mutated apes upon Iron Man. But wouldn’t you know that silly cat chewed through the exact wire that caused the cage to open into into the control room with the evil doctor instead of Iron Man! Needless to say, said beasts express their displeasure at their captor in a rather graphic manner that brings her time on this mortal plane to a closure.
We end with the sweet couple trying to make sense of all those coincidences with Zero helping them, leading to the naturally absurd speculation that she actually sought to do harm to the departed doctor. Oh and we’re told that the next issue will bring us the true origin of the Black Lama.
Gee, don’t do me any favors.
Story
Oh my goodness. It’s gongingly clear that Mike Friedrich’s 30-issue run on this series is going down in flames. Unfortunately, it will be likewise for his tenure at Marvel. My guess is that this issue served as moldy icing on that fetid cake.
I get it. Fill ins have be done quickly in order to meet deadlines. Nor do I expect “Days of Future Past” or “Even an Android Can Cry." But I can expect a decent story with respectable writing. Particularly from someone who’s covered a character for over two years.
If this was an attempt at the tongue-in-cheek humor of a bad movie, it falls notably short. 2/10
Art
Say what you will about George Tuska, but the guy simply draws whatever it is they ask him to draw. Which for Iron Man, includes some real rough outings. (I’m looking at you, Mikas, Demetrious and White Dragon!). We can now add Dr. Kurakill to that horrid list. That said, even with Vince Coletta smoothing out the rough edges, this is hardly one of his better efforts. 5/10
Wimp Factor
Good grief! Our hero gets beat up by an ape mutated into a big, bald guy? He then needs a smart kitty to free him from an electrical field? Say it isn’t so! 8/10
Villain Rating
Sigh. Both Dr. Karakill and Quasar have me missing Princess Python from #50. At least she was much easier on the eyes. Crabby mad scientists who use a hotel as their hideout rate poorly on my scale. 1/10 And what’s the fun of a talking ape if it doesn’t look like an ape? 2/10
Overall Rating
My fellow comic book buying buddies had already ditched Iron Man. If not for my subscription, I would have also bailed after this debacle. 2/10
Additional Nuts & Bolts
Proof that there is a God is that we’re spared any future appearances of either Dr. Karakill or Quasar. Of course, we also never learn if those ape mutates are restored to normal or if Zero once again becomes the cute brunette who looks exactly like Roxanne Gilbert. At least the name Quasar found a much happier home with Wendall Vaughn around a decade later.
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