Review: Iron Man #58

“Mandarin and the Unicorn: Double-Death!”

I Dare You to Say "The Unicorn" Three Times Without Laughing!

Before I start this review, let’s get all the laughing and snickers out of our system. Yeah, I know one of our villains is called The Unicorn. But I’ve got an entire issue to cover. So, I’m going to say “The Unicorn” several times and wait until we’re all done laughing before moving on.

Done?

Hold it! I see you, Greg. You’re still chucking over your coffee in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.

Okay now?

C’mon, Doug. It isn’t that funny. You live in Las Vegas. I’d think you’d get enough laughs there.

And what about you, Steve? You’re stuck in Chug Water, Wyoming. Why won’t you let me get this review going.

And Glen, you're…

"Occidental moron?" Now who's being delusional, Mandarin?

Ah dammit, now I’m laughing too.

Hell with it. Let’s just get this going. At least we’ll all have smiles on our faces.

Let’s face it. Although Soviet agent Milo’s Masaryk was given a decent powerset when he first appeared back in Tales of Suspense #55, whoever tagged him “The Unicorn” pretty much doomed him to life as a third-tier baddie at best and punch line at worst.

Spoiler Alert: This issue doesn’t help. His only dialogue occurs in flashbacks - including the total “suck up” line of comparing the Mandarin to Dr. Doom.

Horned bad-guy aside, Iron Man #58 is most definitely a mixed bag. We have one significant positive - at least from my perspective. Pepper also plays an important role -which counts as a plus in my book. Added to that is the brief return of a former cast member who I confess to missing. Then there’s the “are you kidding” resolution to the strike at SI.

But don’t take my word for it. Let’s check out one of the longest and clearly most unimaginative Iron Man titles ever with “Mandarin and the Unicorn: Double-Death!”

Not sure what's more painful. That mean double-zap on Iron Man or the Mandarin's dreadful outfit!

Credits

Writer: Mike Friedrich (Steve Gerber’s plot)

Pencils: George Tuska

Inks: Mike Esposito & Frank Giacoia

Letterer: Artie Simek

Editor: Roy Thomas

Cover Art: Rick Buckler & Frank Giacoia

Release Date: February 6, 1973

Synopsis

The party gets started with a decent Rich Buckler cover. No idea why he has both villains zapping away from Iron Man instead of into him, but George Tuska more than makes up for that little faux pax on the splash page.

Ouch is understating the damage they do, shattering our hero’s chest plate and forcing him to execute a quick get-away.

Chest plate crushed, a quickly weakening Iron Man staggers into his office where his latest hire - and one-time object of his desire - Pepper Hogan holds down the fort. Unlike a certain former fiancé who fled when he was in need of help a few issues back, Mrs. Hogan does as asked.

And why am I bringing up poor Marianne Rodgers? Because she is on the next page, starting a session with a shrink at a sanitorium. Since she’s only allotted one page, Mariane quickly breaks down about demons burning her mind, leading to captions asking if that mind can be treated.

If you're wearing blue pearls with that dress, Marianne, you may already be beyond the point of help.

Aw man, bad enough that she was dumped over those visions seven issues back, but to see her just as whacked out is a bummer. Can this poor woman get a break?

We go from there to a gloating Mandarin recounting to his mindless ally - and all of us - how the Unicorn sought out his aid to stop his powers from destroying his mind. Mandy plays along until he realizes that the ugly head band he’s now wearing gives him the ability to control the Unicorn just as he does those ten uber-powerful rings.

Having brought us up to speed, we then see Iron Man recover, treating Pepper just the way you really shouldn’t treat someone who just saved your life before staggering off to his private lab. It’s there that Tony Stark realizes he should have died as his chest plate is out of power. Which means that his artificial heart has finally been accepted … again!

Now don't you go teasing me about your heart finally being healed!

As I pop a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the end of what I consider the most redundant and boring aspect of my favorite hero, those strikers storm into Tony Stark’s private office, trashing pretty much everything in sight and scaring the bejabbers out of Pepper.

That is until Tony Stark arrives and essentially ends the strike by saying that his sharing ideas with communist nations can bring peace to our troubled world. That’s all they needed to hear after being on strike because Tony Stark was sharing ideas with communist nations. That and he refuses to file charges when the police arrive

Huh? Like I said in my previous review, working over the past three decades for a labor union, a strike is almost always going to be about wages, hours and conditions of employment. This strike simply makes no sense.

Uh, wouldn't your armor have sensors that could detect their energy signatures? Just asking for a friend.

Anyway, Tony then changes into Iron Man - opting for a spare suit with less power. Why doesn’t he just tie his shoelaces together while he’s at? Sure enough, a quick peek into the same damaged building where he faced the Mandarin last issue quickly bears fruit with both blasting him again!

Demonstrating yet again why Mandarin isn’t allowed at the adult’s table of supervillains, instead of using more than one of what’s now eleven rings, he just tosses energy beams at Iron Man, finally sending him outside of the building.

It's here where this story earns it's "WTF?" moment. Once our hero zaps the Mandarin, he and the Unicorn simultaneously blast each other, somehow swapping their minds into the other’s bodies.

Not sure how that mental exchange happened, but it's one way to end a rather dull battle.

Scared poopless, the Mandarin blasts a nearby building with the Unicorn’s power beam. With Iron Man doing his part to save everyone, the Mandarin has the Unicorn take his body and fly away.

Still, we’re nearing the end of the comic. Iron Man just has enough time to hear the workers say they while they won’t undermine their country, they’re going to back Tony Stark giving secrets to communist nations.

Okay.

In the ranking of cliffhangers for this series, can we agree that this isn't one of the better ones?

Our story concludes with Tony Stark about to answer a ringing phone with captions telling us it isn’t good news. Not the most enticing of cliffhangers. But hey, at least Firebrand’s coming next issue!

Story

Mike Friedrich returns to script part two of Steve Gerber’s plot with results that rank somewhere between "Not Bad" and "Not Good." Much as it thrilled me to have the cliched “bad heart” subplot resolved, I have to say that for an issue billed as a huge fight with not one, but two, supervillains, I felt more than a bit short-changed. If you’re counting - and I did - we had around five pages devoted to the actual skirmish. Worse, the battled consisted pretty much of the Mandarin and Unicorn zapping Iron Man until they got their brains crossed. How that occurred is never spelled out in the story.

For that matter, what was Mandarin really hoping to accomplish? Did he think that becoming a union boss would lead him to world conquest? Look how it turned out for Jimmy Hoffa.

This wouldn't be the worst time to ask for a raise, Pepper.

As much as my sentimental heart likes Marianne Rodgers, I have to wonder why she’s back. One page of her once again freaking out doesn’t exactly add to this story - or set much up for the next one.

But trumping all those nagging issues is the wonderful resolution of that ever annoying and exhausting issue of Tony Stark’s bad heart! We won’t have to wring any more drama out of this sorry and spent towel … until another writer decides it’s time to dive down that well again. But that won't happen for...another year.

That action alone atones for the multitude of sins plaguing this issue’s story. 5/10

Art

I wish I could say more about the work done by penciller George Tuska and inkers Mike Esposito and Frank Giacoia. Truth is that nothing really stands out one way or the other. It’s the definition of mediocre art. Too many of the standard Tuska poses with less than inspired action scenes make for a rather blase outcome.

Could it be worse? Absolutely. But could it be better? I wish it were! 5/10

I guess with a name like Unicorn, you're doomed to awful choices in head gear.

Wimp Factor

I’ve no idea why Tony Stark doesn’t keep a spare suit of armor that’s equal to his main one. I mean, you never know when the Titanium Man’s going to show up, seeking vengeance for whatever he thinks you said to him in the heat of some past squabble. But on the positive side, our hero had an answer from whatever the hapless Mandarin came up with so that gotta count for something. 2/10

Villain Rating

Good heavens. Could the Unicorn have come across any more pathetic? Had Tuska given him puppy dog eyes, I think Tony Stark or Pepper would have taken him in as a rescue. Sad part is that way back in the day, he could project not only a considerable array of energy beams, but the Soviet agent could also utilize a nearly impenetrable force field. Now all he’s good for are the occasional power blasts. Yawn. 4/10.

And you chose to call yourself "The Unicorn" why? (From Tales of Suspense #55.)

And where do you think you’re going, Mandarin? There are dozens of ways that you could have defeated Iron Man in these past two issues to earn entry into the Top Tier Supervillain fraternity. Instead, you ramble on with meaningless boasts and ultimately have your mind stuck in the Unicorn’s head for totally unexplained reasons. That’s gonna cost you. 5/10

Overall Rating

There’s the phrase “stick the landing.” And this issue doesn’t do it. We don’t have a crash or loss of life with this landing. But definitely more bruises than needed. Still, I got to see Marianne Rodgers and most important, our guy ends this issue with a healthy ticker. That brings us up to 5/10.

Mark Spitz - 1972 Olympics

Additional Nuts & Bolts

• Don’t worry. Mike Friedrich doesn’t leave the Mandarin and Unicorn in this sorry state for too long. Next time we see them, it’s the informal launch of a storyline that in many ways undoes both this title and Mike Friedrich’s time on this series.

• There’s a line about Tony Stark looking like Mark Spitz with a new television ad. Spitz was a gold medal winner for Team USA in the 1972 Summer Olympics and something of a sex symbol around that time.