Review: Iron Man #34

“Crisis .. and the Calamity”

Introduction  

Dah-dah, dah-DAH-DAH, dah-dah, dah-DAH-DAH,

Bah-bah-bah-BAH, bah-bah-bah-BAH,

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh...

Yes. That’s the "Mission Impossible" theme. An earworm that's nearly impossible to remove. But I can't help it. Researching this issue for this review inevitably plants that theme smack into the center of my brain. And you know what? It's really the best part of having to dive back into the Spymaster's first tussle with Iron Man.

"Stick the landing" this issue does not do!

Thanks to the intriguing introduction of the Spymaster and Espionage Elite in the previous issue as well as another busy, but engaging Sal Buscema cover, Iron Man #34 starts off with promise.  We know Tony’s in deep do-do as a prisoner of Agent 3 - who's disguised as Nick Fury.  We also know that Jasper Sitwell’s doggone determined to earn his merit badge as a SHIELD agent.  Then there’s Kevin O’Brien, that red-headed Irish guy who won’t go away.  As if that’s not enough, we’ve got a shiny new villain that Iron Man’s not even faced yet.

Hey Iron Man! You gonna let this guy talk that way about your armor?

Fun as all this sounds, remember that it’s drawn by Don Heck, an artist whose style is completely ill-suited to a story with this level of action and intrigue.  

That impacts everything with an ending that…well, let’s just get into Iron Man #34.

Synopsis.

”Crisis..And Calamity” opens as Tony Stark does his part to bring everyone up to speed - although having deceased ex-girlfriend Janice Cord calling out to him to join her in the Great Beyond definitely qualifies as “Stop The Presses!” bad writing!  Besides, does this poor woman know that he’s hanging on to life so that he can check up on Whitney Frost?  What makes even less sense is that he’s also hanging on for…Kevin O’Brien?  For crying out loud!  If Tony’s really that close to going into that bright light, where the heck are Pepper Hogan?  Happy Hogan?  Captain America?  Thor?  Either of his parents?  That loyal barista who makes his mocha just to his specifications?  Anyone but that walking caricature who’s only on this third issue in this series!

Yeah, I know. This title pretty much sums up this issue.

We waste a few pages with Agent 3 and Tony Stark going back and forth exchanging bold statements before the plot picks up again with said agent disguised again as Nick Fury, pushing our guy away from the copter once they arrive at the factory. This does not go unnoticed by our steadfast Agent Sitwell.  At the same time, Kevin O’Brien succeeds in both freeing himself and uttering every tired Irish cliché known to man before sabotaging a nearby elevator that just might possibly figure into our story.

Somewhere not too far away, Tony is taken to the Spymaster who wants him to open a safe stocked full of delicious Stark goodies. After some mean threats from the masked villain, Tony appears to acquiesce, only to hit a hidden switch that activates a previously yet another previously recorded message from Iron Man that appears on a nearby monitor.  Caught off guard, the Spymaster moves to “Plan Delta.”  Translation:  ”Agent 2, you deal with Stark while me and this other flunky get the heck outta here by going down in this elevator.”  Of course this happens to the very elevator that Kevin just messed up! Instead of getting away, they're now stuck between floors.

The miracle of pre-recorded messages! They say exactly what you want them to say and at precisely the perfect moment!

Speaking of our fiery red-head, he bursts into this same room to find two Tony Starks - as Agent 3 had just disguised himself as his captive in order to fool some SI employees a couple pages back.  While a clever bad guy could have milked this scene for at least three or four pages, Agent 3 blows his cover two panels.  But this gives the real Tony the break he’s needed to sneak away and become Iron Man. 

Good thing too because Spymaster quickly frees himself and his muscular colleague so that the latter can totally waste a several panels attempting to stop Iron Man.  Why couldn’t our hero have just zapped this buffoon at first glance is beyond me.  We next find Jasper encounter and subdue the eye-catching Agent 1.  To Jasper's credit, he overcomes a dangerous combatant. But unfortunately, Don Heck's art presents Reason #65 why he's the wrong artist for this story as that battle is depicted in a manner more akin to a dance studio than hand-to-hand conflict. Also unfortunate for our poor guy is that one panel later, Agent 5 shows up to take him prisoner.

Not one of our hero's more impressive altercations.

We then have Iron Man finally meet up with the Spymaster.  But instead of the battle we’ve been waiting for, our hero's zapped by Agent 4’s wicked ray gun.  I say "wicked" because it causes the armor on his right arm to crumple like aluminum foil.  Although Iron Man destroys said plot device with “a blast of electro-magnetic tractor-pressor rays”, he’s easy pickings now for his brightly-garbed sparring partner who soon brings him down with an exploding disc.  But the ever-resourceful Avenger’s not done yet.  He blinds the Spymaster with a spotlight from his chest plate before delivering a solid punch to the jaw.  That would’ve ended the fight if Agents 5 and 1 had not appeared with the captive Jasper.  Using said SHIELD liaison as a real shield, they’re all ready to get out of the pool. That is until Jasper lunges into the fray, causing the Spymaster to fire a ray gun into him 

Courtesy of a smoke screen from their helicopter, the bad guys and lady are ready to exit until Iron Man, now without enough power to even fly - gives his last effort with a repulsor beam that brings the craft and villains back to terra firma.  All the villains except the Spymaster, of course, with him flying quickly away.  The two final panels tell us that an ambulance is waiting for Jasper and that Iron Man has now vowed that he will find the Spymaster and destroy him.  We know that our hero means what he says because next month tells us that he’s “In Search of Revenge.” 

I feel awful for Jasper. But shouldn't he have at least a cut, bruise or burn mark?

Ratings

Story

Iron Man #34 marks the end of Allyn Brodsky’s 5-issue run.  Wish I could be a bit more charitable, but while the story and dialogue are an improvement over the complete dreck of his first issue, this is far from the comic that you’d bring home to meet your parents,  Along with some sticky purple prose in places and questionable actions, the key problem is the failure to adequately conclude what was a decent set up from the previous issue.  For instance, what was the Spymaster’s plan?  If it was to destroy Stark Industries, then that clearly didn’t happen.  Or steal some secret plans, tech or whatever, then that really wasn’t explained.  Brodsky also missed the opportunity to prove Spymaster as a worthy new addition to Iron Man’s Rogue’s Gallery.  If not for his lackey firing his weapon on Iron Man, who’s to say if Spymaster would’ve lasted more than a page?  Then there's the question of Jasper Sitwell.  You bring the guy back after being absent from the book for ages only to basically kill him off an issue later? 

Since this was Brodsky’s last issue, we don’t know if he had plans that simply ended with his departure.  He did plot the big crossover that starts in the next issue - although I’m not sure I’d have wanted my name attached to that.  It could be that the rug was pulled out from under him before he could connect the dots with everything from this issue.  Regardless, his tenure on Iron Man will not go down as a success. 3/10

Are these outtakes for "So You Think You Can Dance?"

Art 

Gotta admit that given how harsh I was with Don Heck’s art last issue, I’d hoped to be more positive with this one.  Fortunately, I can do so.  But only by the whisker of a whisper.  Best I can say is that there are no hideously awful panels like he had in part one of this story.  Actually, I can point to several panels that work nicely.  That said, we’re still dealing with the same problem.  Stories of this nature are simply not suited to his dated style.  Although I can reference many scenes throughout this story, perhaps the best example is Jasper’s fight with Agent 1.  A battle between a woman with training reminiscent of Natasha Romanoff against a trained SHIELD agent should have a flow to it, some dynamic energy and eye-popping angles.  Instead, this looks more like dance moves from a couple about to call it a night.  Or that final panel with Iron Man announcing to the world at large that there ain’t nuthin’ gonna stop him from stompin’ a mudhole in Spymaster’s backside and walking it dry.  But none of that fury is conveyed in the art.  Absent the word balloons, Iron Man could have been hailing a cab for a buddy who had one too many at the bar.  Worse part is that Heck’s around for several more issues. 4/10

Wimp Factor

First big fight with a supervillain in several issues has our hero looking a few distinct levels below stellar.  He wastes a couple pages with a non-powered strong guy.  Then one arm of armor was wasted by just a ray gun.  By the time Spymaster is done, Iron Man is nearly out of power, with skin exposed on his leg from another tear to the armor.  He only sorta stops the Spy-Guy by blinding him before finally zapping the escaping helicopter.  Not a good look is a polite summation.  7/10 

Both the arm and leg of his armor ripped? Not a good day for the Golden Avenger.

Villain Rating

Boasting of armor that’s “lighter and faster,” Spymaster pretty much has his way with the Golden Avenger, making a clean getaway at the end.  He also nearly kills Jasper Sitwell.  (Hey, I was tempted to do the job if he hadn’t.)  But in truth, I felt that the outcome of the battle had more to do with Iron Man tripping over his own shoelaces than Spymaster’s prowess.  Of course, in this era, they basically required Iron Man to run around with those shoelaces untied.   5/10 

Overall Rating

Could’ve been worse, but definitely should have been better.  4/10

Additional Nuts & Bolts:

• Despite all their hard work, this is all she wrote for the Espionage Elite.  I’m thinking it’s less that no one liked them and more that they were put out to pasture because of a “Cease and Desist” letter from the producers of the “Mission: Impossible” TV show.