Review: Iron Man #50

A New Low! For his 50th Anniversary Issue, Iron Man Fights a ...Snake!

We’re all friends here, right?  If so, it’s okay to say that Princess Python is hot.  I don’t mean to go overboard with objectifying someone, but those scaly green leggings and that wavey brunette hair combined with that whole “wrap yourself in reptilian coils” thing is sexy.

Why in the world am I bringing this up?

Because I’m guessing that either writer Mike Friedrich or penciller George Tuska also thought Princess Python was hot.  Otherwise, for the life of me, I cannot conceive of any other reason in this universe or any other why she would appear in Iron Man #50.  

Yeah.  Iron Man’s “golden anniversary” issue has him at the mercy of a member of the laughable Ringmaster’s even more laughable Circus of Crime.  Actually, that’s not right.  Iron Man’s actually at the mercy of her python.  Our hero - the Invincible Iron Man - the superhero who would one day be the face of a movie empire - a hero known worldwide - shows his true “mettle” by - sigh - fighting a snake.

This isn't easy for any of us to see.

Rest assured, none of this is as dreadful as what we endured prior to Issue #45.  But it’s still bad enough to trigger flashbacks as we see what happens when “The Curtain Rises on … Deathplay!”

Credits

Writer: Mike Friedrich

Pencils:  George Tuska

Inks:  Vince Coletta

Letterer:  John Costanza

Editor: Roy Thomas

Cover Art:  Gil Kane & Frank Giacoia

Release Date: June 6, 1972

Synopsis

Was it something I said, Gil?  I’m wondering because after a string of stellar covers, the last three fall more into the category of “Phone It In.”  Sure, you show what actually happens this issue with Iron Man at the mercy of a (sigh!) snake.  But covers are allowed to stretch the truth beyond the abilities of Mr. Fantastic.  You know that’s what was needed here. But you go along with it, even putting the hot villainess in the background. 

"If only I could find an electrical outlet - like the one connected to that lamp next to me!"

Enough grousing over the cover.  We’ve got a 50th issue to review.  Living in California, I’m wondering if writer Mike Friedrich thought it would be cool to pepper the captions with “Scene One,” “Scene Two” and so on.  Or was it his way of trying to cover what he knew was a lame issue.  Regardless, George Tuska and inker Vince Coletta do a damn fine job of making Iron Man look absolutely pathetic on the splash page.  Which is what’s called for.

Sixty seconds to live and our guy’s gotta find an electrical outlet or it’s lights out!  (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.) 

No doubt our hero’s too perturbed over his fiancé running away from him at the end of last issue to notice the obvious.  Instead, he starts peeling off pieces of his armor until he finally can plug his chest plate into what must be the only outlet in the entire Avenger’s Mansion.

If that snake wasn't enough, I'd think those scaly green tights would give it away.

Oh no!  Tony hears someone.  Last thing he can let happen is have one of his Avengers teammates - someone who fights by his side - learn his secret identity.  That’s reserved for serious girlfriends and the occasional work buddy.  So Tony starts picking up pieces of his armor just in time for Jarvis to appear.  The Avenger’s butler is either really polite or not very sharp in buying Tony’s excuse about Iron Man needing to quickly leave.  Actually, I’m leaning towards the latter because it’s not a page later that he manages to get captured by the Princess Python’s big, bad snake.  I say that because it wasn’t that long ago that she and her fellow buffoons in the Ringmaster’s inane Circus of Crime crashed Yellowjacket and the Wasp’s wedding in Avengers #60.

While all this is going on - or Scene Four as the writer calls it - we find Iron Man flying back to Stark Industries, immersed in some uber introspection.  Dude’s clearly not happy about his fiancé ditching him at “death’s door.”  But instead of just saying so, we get entire page of thought balloons that’s it’s his destiny to face “death” alone before letting himself think “Marianne, there’s no room for you in my fragile life.”

Meet our BAME's (Bickering, Angry Micro-Elves!)

We also find out that the Adaptoid, last issue’s adversary, is now powerless and being monitored by two individuals named Jarr and Tyrr.  However, going forward, I shall simply refer to them as the Bickering, Angry Micro-Elves or BAME’s for short!  Living on the war-ravaged, sub-atomic world of Bast, our BAME’s are revealed to be the ones who brought the Adaptoid back to life for reasons that will be revealed later in this issue.

Another page means yet another scene.  This time a rather nifty black and white, televised interview with Tony Stark where the CEO explains that Stark Industries “Re-Ordered Priorities” means no more munitions as the company will instead diversity into environmental issues, consumer goods and so on.  Another Bad pun ahead, but that’s quite a bombshell for a munitions manufacturer to drop.  Unfortunately, by the next panel, Princess Python has Tony Stark wrapped up in her snake with a million dollar ransom request.  (Wonder what that request would be in today’s dollars?)

In perhaps Tony Stark’s only impressive strategic move this issue, he sets up a static charge from his chest plate that causes the python to release him.  Note that without the armor, he’s free of said serpent in three panels.  In the armor, it’s going to be another sad story.

Not to go all "sciency," but pythons only constrict to prevent breathing. They don't crush anything to jelly. Much less someone in a suit of flipping armor!

Case in point, within a couple pages, now in full Iron Man gear, that python’s again got it’s coils around him.  But instead of using the armor’s electrical capabilities to again free himself and stun the poor animal into submission, he tells us that “If it tightens around me, it could grind me to jelly.”  Really?  Armor that can deflect bombs and bullets can’t withstand a snake?

Don’t worry.  In a remarkable display of prowess, Iron Man pulls free and hurls the python away, now searching for it’s owner.  That same snake then slithers into a laboratory where it smashes rocket fuel compounds which will apparently make it even more powerful as we’ll quickly see.

It takes Iron Man about a page to find that snake, now reunited with Princess Python.  Even worse, we learn that rocket fuel compounds have indeed made it immune to repulsor rays!  And for the umpteenth issue in a row, Iron Man completely forgets that he has any other weapons whatsoever at his disposal.  Nothing electric or magnetic or sonic or ultra-violet or even his roller skates.  Nothing else but his wits against … a snake.  Who just happens to have him over a vat of acid!  (I gotta ask, just how many vats of acid does this place have?  And why are catwalks just on top of them?  Wouldn’t there need to be proper ventilation?  Where’s OSHA when you really need them?)

You do know, Iron Man, that once I send these images to the Avengers, you'll never live this down.

Anyway, Tuska and Coletta present us with some bold images of the Golden Avenger fighting his way to victory over this … snake before tossing it into that vat of acid.  Not sure that was necessary.  Especially since it causes our lovely, if twisted, villainess to want to join her pet.  Of course Iron Man’s not allowing that.  He saves her from the fall and has just placed her onto the catwalk when his bootjets fail - just like they do in Marianne’s vision.  However, since Princess Python is much easier on the eyes that the Cyborg Sinister, they kick on just in time to prevent him from falling into that vat.

That takes us to final two pages with Friedrich again being “cool” with lower-case “intersections” where Princess Python is mad, Marianne is fearful and the BAME’s pleased as they have somehow “evolved” the Cyborg Sinister from genes of the Adaptoid so that he can “stalk Stark Industries!”  While the rest of us get a good look at next issue’s truly ghastly opponent, Iron Man is telling himself he’ll have plenty of time to fix his boot jets. Looks like we’ll have to wait until the next issue to see if Marianne’s vision comes to fruition or not!

Story

Just last issue, I complimented Mike Friedrich on writing the best Iron Man comic in years and this is how he thanks me?  Honestly, this is the second part of a trilogy where all that’s needed is to move the set pieces from Point A to Point B for next issue’s finale. 

But to use Princess Python as the villain?  And to have our hero actually do battle with a snake as a serious opponent?  Then add more armor failures.  I won’t even go into that dreadful inner monologue about “death” and “destiny.” 

You had the right voice in the previous issue.  But all those sins I’ve mentioned above are going to cost you.  3/10

Art 

“Remarkably consistent” is the description that comes to mind when I look at this issue.  That’s assuming you like the work of George Tuska and Vince Coletta.  As I’ve said repeatedly and will keep saying, I really don’t mind it.  It’s not incredible.  But it does the job.

Another excellent image of Iron Man going into action!

Silly jokes aside, I like the appearance of both Jarr and Tyrr - our lovable BAME’s.  I also thought the one image of their world of Bast perfectly encapsulated their description of a devastated world.  Further compliments on a truly creepy looking villain with Cyborg Sinister.  I look forward to seeing him in action next issue.

At this point, Tuska had been drawing Iron Man on and off for several years.  Given that, I strongly suspect he uttered comments similar to mine about how the silliness of the conflict with the snake, yet he did what he could do with his art to sell it.  

That and he kept Princess Python looking good!  That’s worth a 6/10.

A "sinister lovely" - not a Cyborg Sinister that we see later in the comic.

Wimp Factor

Dear God.  Where do I begin?  Milking every drop of drama conceivable to find an electronic outlet, probably stumbling by a dozen in the process.  Then boot jets that don’t work.  If someone with ESP told me that I’d die if they went out, I may have put off that press conference to fix them.  And yeah, we have you fighting a snake.  Bad, bad look, Tony!  10/10

Villain Rating

At least it wasn’t the Clown from that same pitiful Circus of Crime.  But aside from working with snakes and turning heads, Princess Python doesn’t offer much in the way of a threat to much of anyone - much less the so-called Golden Avenger.  1/10

Overall Rating

You had one job to do.  One job!  Just tell a nice bridge story to set up the Cyborg Sinister for the next issue.  Whiplash would’ve been fine.  I wouldn’t have complained about the Melter.  Instead - I have to say it one more time! - we have Iron Man fighting a snake!  3/10

"My strange destiny is pushing death's door closed!" Aside from purple prose, I'd just say you were doggone lucky, Iron Man.

Additional Nuts & Bolts

• Although the infamous Circus of Crime appeared in multiple comic books after this one - it was either Daredevil or Power Man who next faced them - this issue stands as the one and the only solo effort from the lovely Princess Python.  And that’s probably for the best.

• This issue marks the first for Roy Thomas as Marvel's Editor-in-Chief, unknowingly initiating a game of musical chairs for the next several years as to who has that particular role.