Review: Iron Man #37
- Rick Moore
- 6 days ago
- 7 min read
The North Pole - Day After Christmas!
“Sir? Sir? I hate to wake you up, but we have a call from a certain national capital to the south of us.”
St. Nick rubbed his tired eyes, stifling a yawn. “They’re all to the south of us. What’s serious enough to interrupt me after going to every home around the world?”
The elf gritted his tiny teeth. “This particular individual says they either speak to you or we’re slapped with 100% tariffs.”
“Oh my sweet candy canes! I think I know which administration I’m dealing with.” A deep sigh. “Hand me the phone.”
A grateful elf does as requested. Putting the phone to his ear, Santa holds back another yawn. “This is St. Nick. What’s the problem?”
He listens for a moment. “It’s about receiving copies of Iron Man #36 and #37? Well, whomever received those were on the Naughty List. We ran out of coal and sent those instead.” Another pause. “Naughty List? That’s all part of the Yuletide Doctrine, approved six centuries ago.” More talking on the other end. “You’re saying you want to renegotiate that agreement? But doing that impacts every nation in the world and…” Santa stops to listen again. “So, if I don’t do this, you’re not only going forward with 100% tariffs on our goods, but you’ll also change the name of our land to ‘The North American Pole’?” Another long sigh. “What is it that you really want?”
Santa motions to the elf to grab his notebook. “Look, I’ll find coal instead of those comics and…” This time his brow furrows as he listens. “Wait, you’re saying that your boss liked those comics? You do realize I sent them because they’re so bad, right?” More listening. “You say that your boss is such a genius that only he can fully conceptualize the brilliance concealed within those two issues? And what he really wants are more Iron Man comics by that same creative team? You do understand that these are some of the worst comics ever produced? But sure, if it means no tariffs or name changes, we’ll be glad to do that.” He hands the phone back to the elf, shaking his head. “Why didn't I become a Keebler elf like my mother wanted?"
Yeah, Iron Man #37 is remarkably bad comic book. Starting with an overly wordy cover that fully displays Tony Stark at his absolute weakest to the entire purchasing world, it's 20 pages of silly science fiction peppered with supporting cast members engaged in unfathomable strains of credibility. Oh, and the ill-fitting Don Heck-Jim Mooney art team renders one of young Gerry Conway’s worst Iron Man stories as difficult to view as it is to read.
Take a deep breath as we find ourselves “In This Hour of Earthdoom.”
Synopsis
Iron Man #37 starts with our hero now struggling to his feet after a long fall to the streets following an unexpected heart attack. Not that last issue’s opponent, Ramrod, seems the least bit interested. The big blue robot from somewhere in outer space is back to clearing a landing space for the arrival of his brothers. This allows our hero to waste several pages until he finally staggers to his car.
The story then shifts to an approaching spaceship with more bulky blue robots talking about sterilizing our world. Seems they work for Worldform, Inc, an interstellar company that terraforms planets to the wishes of their clients. In our case, some deep-pocketed aliens need a smooth world for their suction cup fingers.
Before the absurdity of all that can sink in (Plate Tectonics, anyone?) we find the mega-annoying Kevin O’Brien urgently looking for Tony Stark. Why is something else we don't know. Tony Stark put him in charge last issue so that he could take in some R & R. What could the Irish gadfly have screwed so badly that he’s desperately seeking his boss now?
Fortunately, by walking into the right elevator at the right exact moment, Kevin finds his boss who wants to be taken to the Avengers Mansion. A good idea, but why didn’t Tony go there in the first place?
Before we can consider any of that, the big blue phallic-shaped rocket lands in downtown NYC. It’s then we’re introduced to the Foreman, a human looking guy who'll use the Earth-Former once the four other blue robots are conveniently placed in various corners of our globe.
Before inquiring minds can ask why this device requires four drab-looking robots to be in certain parts of a world before this device can make our planet as smooth as a baby’s bottom, we see Marianne Rodgers now on the streets searching for “her boyfriend.”
Huh?
Boyfriend? They didn’t even finish one dinner date.
But Marianne's evening isn't over yet as the Foreman notices her in the crowd. Quickly deciding that planet smoothing can wait, he commands Ramrod to bring her to him.
As for our hero, he's busy at the Avengers Manson, spilling the beans about his secret ID to Kevin so that he can attach a chest plate in order to jumpstart his bum ticker.
Once the Foreman decides that Marianne will remain with him, she decides to hightail it out of the ship.
Given that we’re now down to five pages remaining in this comic, it’s time for Iron Man to come to the rescue! He somehow finds the exact area to break through the ship and rescue Ms. Rodgers. She, in turn, informs him that the Foreman’s power is in his helmet - thereby letting us exactly how this issue ends.
Ramrod returns for Round Two with the Golden Avenger only to be immediately destroyed with a single blast of his repulsor rays. Yep - those same repulsors that couldn't scratch robot's paint last issue now obliterate him in one panel.
Iron Man then destroys a wing on the spaceship that sends it crashing to the ground. Now stranded on our big blue marble, a perturbed Foreman attempts a face-to-face battle with our hero. Which lasts all of two panels before Iron Man removes the Foreman's helmet.
By the time said bad guy reaches Terra Firma, he’s an old man living his final seconds. uttering these fateful words, “Nay…T’was not he..who’s taken my life..’twas a ...memory…a memory.” That leaves her crying in our hero's arms, the big blue robots immobile and Kevin wondering who will save him.
With that, we’re at the end of one of the worst Iron Man comics ever.
Ratings
Writing
It's clear that young Gerry Conway fully incorporated the “throw everything at the wall to see what sticks” approach.
But with such a scattershot approach, it’s nearly impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff. And there is a whole lot of chaff to sort through. Let’s start with the concept of Worldform, Inc. Putting aside that this book isn't quite the place for stories of this nature, it makes little sense from a Marvel perspective to have an interstellar company created to terraform worlds when races like the Kree, Skrulls and Badoon would more likely take what they went in lieu of cutting a check.
Then there’s Kevin. Why in the world is Conway moving him into an even more prominent role in Tony Stark’s life? Since appearing in Iron Man #31, he’s really done nothing more than blow up a few labs and spout every Irish cliché known to man. Now he’s one of a handful who knows Tony’s deepest secret? If Tony’s situation required divulging said identity, why not share it with one of the Avengers?
Can we also talk about Marianne Rodgers? I’m guessing that Conway may not have had that much experience with dating because, damn, her dialogue in this issue is horrendous! A bubblehead she is most definitely not - despite the lines she’s given.
I could go on, but you get the point. 2/10
Art
If ever there was an issue where a good art job was needed to cover a multitude of writing sins, it was this one. But unfortunately, Don Heck’s final issue is one of his worst as well. Although we’re dealing with alien races, spaceships and large robots, there’s nothing remotely creative in any of their designs nor do any of the action scenes offer any excitement.
While I don’t mind Jim Mooney’s work on other comics, his heavy lines seem to add unneeded weight to Heck’s sketchy pencils, resulting in essentially "muddy" artwork.
Iron Man #37 will end Don Heck’s second tenure with the Marvel character he helped create. I believe this twelve-issue run will also mark his longest with any title going forward with Marvel. I’ve no idea of the deadlines or other mitigating circumstances, but as his art was not overly popular with fans during Iron Man’s initial issues in Tales of Suspense, it’s hardly surprising that it failed to catch fire this time around either. Granted, most of the stories left something to be desired as well. But in a medium that’s dependent on visual appeal, Don Heck’s departure is a step in the right direction. 2/10
Wimp Factor
Are you kidding? We spend a third of the comic with Tony Stark bumbling around until getting his heart back in gear. 8/10
Villain Rating
I don’t know whether to blame Ramrod for falling apart so quickly when zapped by Iron Man’s repulsor rays or myself for overrating him last issue. But regardless, the blue robot with the bottle cap head falls to 3/10. As for the Foreman, an interesting character who fails to put up much of a fight against Iron Man. 2/10.
Overall Rating
No easy way around this one. It's a stinker. 2/10
Additional Nuts & Bolts:
Your Thoughts?
What are your thoughts on this issue? Let me know in the comments!
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